Bodyworks.

I feel a lot like Steve Jobs Slut-bitch right now. He may as well get it over with and just come over to my house and let me suck his dick.

I - IV.

Im having a massive fucking rave about aliens. I think im just having another one of my paranoid times when im like 'oh fuck...ghost/aliens/paranormal/anything fucking creepy'. Been sat watching endless videos on youtube and random websites. Ive creeped the fuck out of myself and made myself feel so alone. At about 11 i cycled home from Caitlin's. I liked it because i love the silence and how i can cycle all over the road in the darkness, illuminating a spotlight ahead of me with my bike light. Looking up the night sky was so clear. I'd made myself sure something was watching me from up there. Just because it could. Observing. Kept playing that scene from signs over and over in my head where the alien creeps out of the bush. Just as i did this fox jumps out in front of my bike. I swear to god my heart stopped. My peace was broken for a small while.

Was still a nice cycle regardless. Just because of the crystal clear view of the night sky. The smells of the portsmouth streets rotting.

I want to be back at college but i also don't. I want to see you all the time but i know i wont. I want to be able to manage on just phone calls each night but i know i'll struggle. We'll cope though. I miss my friends.

Dead Cowboy.

Im moving through moods like i've never done before. Good then bad then good then bad then good then repeat. I don't know whats wrong with me recently. I think my efforts at hiding my emotions are failing and people will see the cracks.




I cant be bothered with anything. I hate this blog.

Driftwood.

I can't here. Or anywhere. Or anyone. Nowhere. Nobody.










Just in my mind. Locked away from the world, or is it locked away from me?

7.7

Past few hours i havn't been able to shake this weird feeling. Im not even sure what it is. It's like im worried about something thats keeping itself a secret at the back of my mind. I know what it is, but my mind wants it blocked out. I get this every so often, it never gets any less annoying than before.

My ribs really hurt for some reason too. Got this tight feeling around my lungs and i can't get comfortable. I hate moments like this.

Yesterday was good, minus the party that was fun but at the same time awful. Sometimes i struggle not to get annoyed by people, you know it's not their fault but that makes no difference at the time. I just appreciated the time with close friends. I dont think i express sometimes how much i love seeing certain people. It felt good.

Im pretty sure malls are the place to be during a zombie outbreak. This guys a fucking idiot though.

Ford.

So Blade Runner, Its pretty good. For an old film the vision of the future is amazing. The visuals portrayed in the film are somewhat in a strange way realistic. Im particuarly drawn to the neon light umbrellas which don't actually look farfetched at all. Im pretty sure i could make one.

BUT

When it comes to the films story and symbolism etc, all i can say is


WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHE FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK IS THIS ABOUT?!

N 84.

Ive been painting today. I should of been yesterday but as usual i had problems with putting a substantial amount of effort into anything. The only thing i can say ive worked hard had in the past two days in sitting on my sofa, and i sat on it (and in a rare case slept on it) the best i possibly could. Tonight i could actually see the painting making the room look better and fresher, so that gave me a bit of drive to complete it. Also because im tired of sleeping in various places of my house.

Its my brothers....19th? birthday this thursday. He's pretty boring. I think we might be having a big table of food or something, which is good. I like food a lot.

It's roughly 24 hours down now. I miss you a lot more than you know. I wish i'd shown you that before you left. I havn't stopped thinking about you, its hard to distract myself with anything other than you. I hope your having a good time. I love you and I miss you.

Ascent.

That hit me harder than it should of it. It didn't even need to be something substantial but its that same crushing sensation from within me. I hate having long in-depth conversations about thoughts and feelings. I don't usually, but i do when they end in finding things out that you wish you hadn't heard. I feel inadequate and small. What's different between me and the next...how long and when and where. Its funny how time works and the effect it has on people. I wish i was in another country somewhere quiet and alone and peaceful.

My cousin gave birth to a boy today. He has nice eyes.

Textual Problems.

Work has really tired me out. Im very appreciative of the money i will be making and how good that is, but im honestly so tired and my body hurts. I am weak.

Trying to work out what to do with myself this summer. I think i need to do/start something that will be useful for myself. I guess i should probably read up on art for next year. I wish i could remember more back from year nine and previous.

Im worried about going to southampton tomorrow. I need to work out some ways to ensure Caitlin doesn't see any of the things ive got her as a present.

Dr. Faustus.

Illuminator.

Sorry again for not posting up in awhile. At least this time i have the excuse of my laptop being dead, well the charger at least. Managed to commandeer the family laptop for now so i will use it.

I think my parents are just possibly really moody and stressed because of work and coming towards the summer. I hope thats it anyway. They've been giving me lectures on pretty much everything ive done for the past few days, its so fucking annoying. To be fair, right now i don't give a shit about college. I think my lessons are awful, i don't enjoy it and its not where i want to be. Besides seeing friends, the only other reason i went in was to see Caitlin and now shes left i would much rather take the days off to see her. I just want the summer so badly at the minute. Then i get the day off tomorrow and they are getting angry because apparently having fun and enjoying myself on a day off is too much to ask for and i should use it to study. Im sure you've all had those times when you just really want to turn around and say ' hey hey hey.....FUCK OFF WITH THIS'. IF you can name me one person who would WANT to stay home on a DAY OFF (a day not required to be at college) or go into college to study and then i will do the same. what the fuck...seriously.

Through that negeative sounding point though, the whole situation on my side is lovely right now. Ive been going out and enjoying myself and just doing nice things. I spent the weekend at Caitlins and it was the nicest ive had in a long time. Really want to see some friends though...I miss Joey & Luke a lot, feels like i havn't seen them in too long. Again, i would like the summer now please.

So yeah, life is good right now. I think my parents just need to let me have it that way because telling my otherwise is just going to push me further away from what they seem to want at the moment. Love Love Love.

Don't re-write it.

It don't matter.

Havn't written up in a long time. Should probably note about my half-term a week ago. Family went away to cornwall for a little break away, ive already told you this bit but im writing it out again for my own purpose. As usual i wanted to stay at home because im pretty bored of cornwall really, well the same old places everytime at least. So i got Joey, Luke, Adam & Rob to come and stay out the week with me, to have a good time and keep me company. Honest to god it was once of the nicest weeks of my life. I can't say that i seem them that often outside of college all that much, especially Joey and Luke, so to be given the chance to spend some time with them was really good. I love all of their company, without them the week just would not have been at all. I got far too drunk, ate too much, enjoyed myself (what could be even too much) and just generally urgghghgh had an amazing week. I did feel the effects however, and still to this day seem to be recovering from a week of possibly the smallest amount of sleep ive had - To the dissapointment of my girlfriend of whom i have been continually falling asleep around.

My exams are all done now which is a lovely feeling. Media ended them on a positive note, the exam was actually a really nice one. I wont say it was easy, not until i get my results, but i felt like i had a good idea what i was writing about and the questions were relevant to things we had been recently looking at in lessons. I hardly went in this week. After the exams and that, i think i deserved at least one week of rest and a break. Felt pretty good. Im back in on what looks like full time table from monday though, not so good.

Work is going good, i know where food goes now. I feel like a true waitrose employee now. Hooraaaaaaaaay.

Something bigs happened and im not sure how to react to it. I have conflicting thoughts at the moment. Honestly, its like something clicked in my head and changed the way i think and im so unsure of why. Things don't feel right, im kind of worried about it.

Im cold, tired and hungry.

Characters.

Exam didn't go quite as badly as i had expected. I probably didn't do 'amazingly' well and out-do my own expectations but i feel like i did alot better then i would. Questions that came up were pretty nice, specific...so easier to find quotes for and to focus on certain points. Its just media now and ive got a week to revise for it, a halfterm week, the one week to relax, that im supposed to revise, that im alone at my house for. Yeah im pretty sure you get the point there.

I have the next week sort of well planned, or at least i have a general idea of whats going on each day. Of course i now have to be told of the one fuck up. The one that seems to be coming up quite a lot on me recently. Kieran. Destroyer of happiness. Every fucking time. Hes decided to come home for friday to monday, of which is over one the first day people are staying and then two the night back from the balti. Im going to try and get him out for sunday. Fuck me, seriously. Does he have no life? WTF.

The Da Vinci Code is pretty good.

I wish i had something a little more interesting to say on here. Im starting to notice how similar my posts sound.

Sorry Temporarily Unavailible.

Im pretty much going to haver to go ahead and accept the concequences on my laziness on the day of collecting results for AS. It's taken me up until two days before exams to realise that ive got to put effort and work in to achieve good grades. I know, reading that it sounds obvious right. Thats exactly why i feel like such a fucking idiot. Ive just tried to get through this year doing as little as possible and now im going to see the effects first hand. Il admit that i havn't got into anything at college this year, like i cant say ive particuarly enjoyed any of my subjects alot or even that much at all. I spose its not always about enjoying it so much but instead about just getting them done so that i have something to use for furthering myself.

Ive been very slow this year. Too slow. Fuck.

Oui Oui Oui!

Sorry, i sort of avoided this thing over the past week or so, i was kind of busy last week with finishing off all my graphics and digital film work and ive been seeing people and working the evenings from them too. Thank fuck i can now finally say that both of those lessons are finished for AS. The night before it all went in was, ironically, the hardest i have ever worked for either subject. I sat until around three in the morning finishing off little bits of work, writing to fill up gaps or sticking images down for annotations. Friday it all went in. Ive signed, handed over and completed both and it feels amazing. I still have two other exams coming up though so i need to quickly get over my 'phew relax' period and get back into revising for them. Priority is english right now.

I had my first full week at Waitrose last week. It was alot different to the veg shop, i now realise just how lucky i was there really. Sure the money was shit and it wasn't particuarly exciting but i could get away with so much and did so little, its hit me pretty hard just how much you have to work in the 'better' jobs. It was alright though. Im slowly getting into the practise of where to go and what to do, luckily i have alot of people offering their help to me most of the time which is really useful and nice.

Ive spent so much time of Left4Dead. Seriously, my life has been taken over by trying to survive the zombie apocalypse. I GOTTA LIVE THROUGH IT. I played it today on co-op with Caitlin. It was pretty hilarious. I enjoyed it....alot.

Yeahboy. Life is still pretty sexy.

Domkolsch.

This weekend has been one of best ive ever experienced.

France and Germany were both absolutely amazing. Seeing the few different places, people, trying the foods and drink, just generally feeling something completely different and new. It was really weird just because its a whole new atmosphere. Everyone is walking around, usually semi-drunk at the least and very very friendly. My aunt and uncle are so nice for taking me, i appreciate it so much. Having Caitlin there just made it all the better too. She has single handedly made me the happiest i have felt in months, across 3 days? I can't think of a better way to have spent the days leading up to my 17th. I will have the image of sitting on the stairs in front of the Dom Cathedral with Caitlin in my mind for years and years to come.

My actual birthday has also been really nice this year. I have these rare moments where i suddenly realise what amazing things and people i have in my life, and how lucky i am. Today has been one of those days. Im so glad i have the friends and family i do. Although 17 may not be a particuarly 'landmark' age, this will definitly not be one i forget.

God i sound so sad. I really am just feeling extremely happy, life is good.

Ft.

It's not even 24 hours now and i will be on my way to france via the shuttle. Im really looking forward to spending the time with Caitlin. Due to both of our extreme parents we have never spend that much time together really and im looking forward to this opportunity. Ive wanted to go back to france/germany for awhile now as well, so this is going to be the first birthday ive actually really looked forward to in years. Im pretty sure i have everything ready, i havnt over-packed, if anything ive under-packed. Ive got enough to last me the few days. Im hoping to get a few things whilst im there, i got given some extra money today so they may be easier to afford now.

Im done with digital film now. Had my final exam this morning until one and everything is now stuck into my book. It feels so good knowing i don't really have to do anything else with it again. Only downside is the lack of vicki in my timetable. I know a lot of my class hate her but i think she's my favourite teacher at college. She always seems to be really nice to me and i get on pretty well with her so im going to miss having her as a teacher.

Well final blog until im back, so i love you all and will speak to you soon. DONT WORRY GUYS ITS NOT LONG TILL HALFTERM, THEN YOU WILL LIVE WITH ME YES?

Aux 1.

I need to get on with all this graphics/digital film book work. I have avoided far too many opportunities to just sit down and get on so far this week, and time is really starting to catch up on me. Im getting quite worried. I know if i just get on with it then i could probably finish it off in not all that long at all but its just getting myself to that point. I MUST DO IT. MUST DO IT BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.

Guess what.


ONLY A FEW DAYS UNTIL FRANCE/GERMANY W/CAITLIN. BOOYA. BOOOOOOOOOOOYA. I CANT WAIT NOW, I HAVE AN EXCITEMENT ERECTION.

Readymade.

This is going to be a complete change in my style of blog recently, so be prepared for a little bit of a shock.

At current moment, this could change at any point, i am in an absolutely fucking amazing mood. I can't even understand why, well i can but w/e. Its like...right now im in exams alot, ive got alot of work to do and i should be stressing the fuck out...but im not. First i feel good about my work, i should probably kick up a bit but i really like what im doing right now and im feeling silently confident about it, which is nice. My whole 'hey man i have no self-confidence' thing is going pretty well. I am starting to realise that if i put my mind to it i can achieve things, and its sometimes just about really getting over my stupid little back-of-the-mind worries. Everything with Waitrose is going sweet. My outfit actually looks pretty good and not gay at all, and the benefits/pay/everything is really making me look forward to starting. I think the past week or so have just been really nice and yeah ive enjoyed it.

Ive got quite alot of digital film i should do tonight, in preperation for the exam tomorrow. Im going to do as much as possible but then again i can finish stuff off tomorrow in the exam as i don't have much else to do really.

LIFE IS GOOD. PLEASE STAY THIS WAY GOOD LIFE...I LIKE YOU ALOT. YOU ARE LOVELY.

Self-Help.

There are few things that make me really aggravated, and today i experienced one of those. A decision has never been so hard to make and i know it probably was the best one, it was the single most fucking annoying one too. Obviously, as you will have guessed from my previous blog ramblings, i have probably once again blown some little detail out of proportion in my head but either way arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh.

Next saturday is my final weekend at the veg shop. I dont know how to feel about that. I hate to say it but i will actually miss working there. I have quite a funny time there and i do get alot of pretty good stories to tell but its time to move on into something a little more structured and professional (and better paid).

I wish i could open up completely to someone but i can't.

Please Do Not Bend.

My interview went pretty well as far as i could tell. I am pretty surprised in that i actually really enjoyed it. I was pretty nervous when i first got in there but once i had started to relax the activities were alright. I managed to make so much bullshit up that, if i may say so, i think sounded amazing. I wont go into it right now but one example is i managed to relate how i am like a dead octopus...yeah boy. Im staying pretty hopeful about the results, will hear within the week apparently. All of the perks sound pretty sweet too, theres some kind of Waitrose social club, like getting into nightclubs free (minus me being a baby of 16 still) and all this other money off and whatever.


Im feeling okay about most things right now. I really need to get over a couple of things going on in my head at the moment. It pains me how stupid i can be at times but ive built things up in my head that are so fucking hard to undo. Just need to keep on buildin' that confidence. yeeeeeeeeeeeeah.

LOVEYOULOVEYOULOVEYOU

"DERES GLOWSHTEEEEEEEEEK IN MY EYES, OHGAWWWWWWWWWD"

poor rob. i love you..........and your eyes regardless of their condition.