Trop Laser.

Just so you know, there may be a slight delay on posts for awhile. I think its about time i changed this blog up a bit, change the layout colours, design and whatever. So next time i post it should be all a new. Thought it would be fitting with other changes ive decided to make.

I think i coudn't of picked a better time to try and sort myself out this week, thanks to a few things ive realised alot about the way my mind works. I have to say that actual actions compared to their intentions are nothing and thats why you pissed me off beyond a level i thought i could reach. Im still a little bit confused about that all at the moment. I don't understand where this situation really places me, should i be able to do more, or is it good that im able to ignore it and push it back in my mind. I guess i will be finding out soon.

My work situation i was worried about has cleared up quite well now. I got an extension on my Digital film (however annoying that may be) which allowed me extra time to do the book work. Luckily i have no plans for this weekend really, so i shall use that to my advantage and get as much done as possible. Ive also started to actually think ahead for my other subjects, like planning and working on things if i know they are coming up, instead of leaving it as long as i can until it's due in. Just need to make sure i keep this going, I don't want to fall back into a repeat of this anytime soon.

I hate hairdressers.

(idontknowwhattodo)

Photonica.

I feel completely lost in my own head and have done for a majority of the past few days. Today i just can't help but go over everything again and again.

I want to make something of myself, i want to learn, to discover new things and to improve myself as a person. I want to go to college everyday feeling good and just do the work, enjoy it & grow further. So why is it that i can't?

I make all these 'agreements' in my mind, where i say to myself 'okay sure, just you know, get on with everything' and then i ruin it the same way everytime i go back in college. I made the worst decision earlier when my parents decided to have another talk with me. It seems that they are just worried about everything i do or say recently and they kept saying that i needed to talk and open up. I told them i wasn't enjoying college at the moment. This led to a long discussion of everything i was doing wrong.

I want to sort myself out, but i feel like i shoudn't have to.

Besides this current conundrum, everything is awesome. Just to ensure you don't think of me as some depressing hate child.

Devoid.

Obviously ive given some sort of impression to certain people recently, which i don't totally agree on to be honest. Ive had my parents question me on everything these past few days. It feels like they're trying to trap me or something, its really starting to annoy me. I can understand that they worry about me and want to see me achieve and whatever but sometimes i feel like they really really need to just back off. They get all angry when im pissed off and moody, and yet they feel its fine to push me to this point of aggravation, with full knowledge that they are doing it as i tell them everytime they do it. They are not helping me right now. Fuck sake.

I guess its just hard to stick with things for me. I havn't kept up with any of my resolutions for this year. Not even one. I really want to but it just is so hard sometimes to bring myself round to just thinking 'Right i could do this now'. Its just lazyness, a lazyness i wish i could rid myself of.

For some reason ive also had this ridiculous thing about esteem recently. I constantly feel like there are eyes on me or something, and so im always aware of how i look and feel. Its really really weird.

Went into town today, was pretty good. Joey never ceases to make me laugh. I didn't get anything in the end, besides many temptations. So i should have some money for other things now.

Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative.


Also, I think its probably best to note that this is my blogs 100th post. So...

Happy 100th post blog, hope your all good.

Grenouille.

The 'Recently Updated Blogs' board is getting pretty quiet. Mine included.

Considering it's only tuesday, it feels like its already been quite a full week. I guess its just because everyone has something going on right now and there seems to be alot of emotions flying around at the moment. I had moments today of just sitting and looking around. Just taking in everyones situation and trying to put something to what they were doing and how they were interacting. It only lasted a minute or so, but it was odd just when you suddenly realise just how much is going on around you. Its so easy to get lost in your own thoughts and forget about everything else sometimes.

I think i ran myself out catching up on the graphics the past week. When i try and sit down to work now i feel like i can't, at all. Its probably just nothing but i need to get out of it or im going to fall behind again and after the whole situation with graphics its not what i want to do. Just need to sit down, concentrate and then push on with something. Right now its Digital Film...still havn't even recorded yet. Urgh.

Everybody Daylight makes me want to sleep.

For some really sad reason, i just want to get to tomorrow already.

LOL

HI ITS ROB POSTING FROM JOSH'S COMPUTER.

SHHHHH, HE'LL NEVER KNOW. :) :)

Moderation.

This blog has become a tool to procrastination, a brilliant one at that.

It's not even particuarly late yet but i have fueled myself up on good old cafetiere black coffee and, due to not having had any coffee for awhile now, it is taking full effect. The immediate headrush has expired and i am now left just feeling slightly more aware & awake. This is all for graphics, which i have slowly fallen more and more behind over the past month or so. I know i should keep up but it is just alot easier to push work away and do other things. Plus alongside my other subjects i end up having quite alot of work to do and graphics is the more complicated choice over the others, so it tends to be the one i choose to put off for the longest. Im determined to do as much as possible tonight though, as my teacher is expecting to mark my folder this week and in its current state i would be lucky for him to even give me a grade for it at all. Fucking college.

Friday until today (my weekend), has been pretty fun this week. Besides having to miss out on a few parties it has been pretty good. I spent friday night with Caitlin, who manages to amaze me more each time i get to spend more time with her. I know it sounds stupid and cliche but it just gives me a chance to find more out about her, and the more i find out the more i like her. (also she's fit). So friday was pretty sweet. Then i had work on saturday as usual. It was interesting this week for reasons i feel are best left un-noted. HILARIOUS FUN. And then today i went to visit my grandad. It was the best visit ive had up to see him so far. Thanks to his condition he can't recall who we are really, i mean he recognises us but it doesn't go beyond that, he doesn't fully understand who we are as much anymore. So i was happy today when he turned around and started talking to me, using my name. The first name he has recalled since being in the home. It was possibly one of the nicest things that could of happened today.

I like this, i like you, i like everything.

Diving Bell.

So ive come to the conclusion that one of the first things i should 'sort' out this year, is working on my confidence. Ive realised that there are a few things in which if i could just be a little more confident about myself then i could easily be happier and move forward, or not even so much that but it would make me worry about things less. Ive always found my own confidence funny because in most situations i can almost see myself lowering in a third person, and i know exactly what i should do differently but i just continue to avoid it. So this is something im going to focus on over-coming first, as i have a feeling it will do me some good in more ways than one.

Ive surrounded myself in music alot more recently. I have once again found a love for bands that i had thought lost. Some of it im kind of embarressed by, but theres something almost nostalgic about listening to it again. Last Fm has been helping me find some new stuff to listen to as well, except im having the same problem of only liking a few songs it sends out.

I have mixed feelings about being back at college. On one side i have this really big part of me that wants to expand myself and learn and develop and do well. But im just so lazy...all of the time. I always feel like i can't bring myself to do things. It will change though, ive promised myself that. I really don't want to fall behind on my own expectations. Id really like to achieve something.



I will tell you as many times as i need too, regardless of you believing it or not.

Colleckshun.

Well, Happy new year 2009. This year really has just flown past so fast, first time ive noticed just how fast time goes. Im quite sad to see this year leave if im honest too, its just that 2008 has been an amazing year, or at least towards the last few months it has. Since college started life has been on a more than often uphill path. Ive made some amazing new friends, had some amazing times and just everything is feeling really good.

I didn't bring the new year around in a very sound way this year. In fact if the start of a new year means anything to how the rest of the year is going to roll out then i should probably be crying right now. I started off at a party with a couple of good friends and, although the party itself may not have been AMAZING, i was enjoying being with people and seeing old friends again. Later on though i really really wanted to see my girlfriend and so was going to meet her near to where she was. This just happened to be quite a way off from where i was. So making my way to see her awful timing occured and my parents happened to drive past and see me, they called me up and questioned if it was me and being the drunken idiot that i was, i told them 'no that must of been someone else, im still at the party'. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. Looking back at that part after talking to them, if i had just been honest they woudn't have minded but thanks to my lie they decided to investigate and drove back around and caught up with me. I was then taken into the car and driven home. At that point being really drunk, dissapointing my family, lying & anything else attached were just the least of my worries. I really wanted to see Caitlin and all chance of that had been killed. It was pretty annoying. All in all though, the night was hilarious. I have a tendency to make stupid decisions when im drunk recently and even i am starting to see a funny side in it. I shoudn't.

Im determined this year, as you do, to change a few things around and hopefully sort out parts of myself that could do with reshaping or reorganising. I don't have one particular resolution so i will just point my few things.

• I need exercise, lots & lots of exercise. I need to find a gym thats affordable to use and start going there weekly. I woudn't mind giving skateboarding another push too, its pretty good fun and it would be another source of exercise.
• Quit from the veg shop into another, more reliable job. Hopefully also better paid. Got to just finish touching up my CV and start handing around and ringing places. Being more confident.
• Confidence in general too. Stop pussy footing around everything and not being able to say accurately how i feel. Learn to say no once in awhile.
• Keep going with the art related stuff, especially the drawing. I just need to keep it frequent, i keep taking breaks from it for too long and 'forgetting' what ive learnt works and what doesn't.
• DSLR - I bought it to take photos so i shall take it around with me to places and try out some super cool photography stuff. Im not bothered about being too fancy, id just like to be able to take a good photo. It'll help for graphics as well.
• Work harder at college, especially with time handling/management. Ive got too into the way of just pushing things further and further back and then having to rush them close to a deadline. I need to be more organized about all of my work.

Theres probably more but that seems like enough listing of my flaws. So that right there is my list of changes to make and i will do my best to carry them out. Not all at once obviously, that would be asking too much of myself, but slowly im going to try and work through them.

Anyway, if you read my blog then your one of my close friends, and so just know i really do appreciate all the times ive had with you each individualy over this past year. Some i know better than others but regardless, you all mean alot to me in your own ways. So thank you for everything.

Im so happy with most aspects of my life at the moment.