Bodyworks.

I feel a lot like Steve Jobs Slut-bitch right now. He may as well get it over with and just come over to my house and let me suck his dick.

I - IV.

Im having a massive fucking rave about aliens. I think im just having another one of my paranoid times when im like 'oh fuck...ghost/aliens/paranormal/anything fucking creepy'. Been sat watching endless videos on youtube and random websites. Ive creeped the fuck out of myself and made myself feel so alone. At about 11 i cycled home from Caitlin's. I liked it because i love the silence and how i can cycle all over the road in the darkness, illuminating a spotlight ahead of me with my bike light. Looking up the night sky was so clear. I'd made myself sure something was watching me from up there. Just because it could. Observing. Kept playing that scene from signs over and over in my head where the alien creeps out of the bush. Just as i did this fox jumps out in front of my bike. I swear to god my heart stopped. My peace was broken for a small while.

Was still a nice cycle regardless. Just because of the crystal clear view of the night sky. The smells of the portsmouth streets rotting.

I want to be back at college but i also don't. I want to see you all the time but i know i wont. I want to be able to manage on just phone calls each night but i know i'll struggle. We'll cope though. I miss my friends.

Dead Cowboy.

Im moving through moods like i've never done before. Good then bad then good then bad then good then repeat. I don't know whats wrong with me recently. I think my efforts at hiding my emotions are failing and people will see the cracks.




I cant be bothered with anything. I hate this blog.

Driftwood.

I can't here. Or anywhere. Or anyone. Nowhere. Nobody.










Just in my mind. Locked away from the world, or is it locked away from me?

7.7

Past few hours i havn't been able to shake this weird feeling. Im not even sure what it is. It's like im worried about something thats keeping itself a secret at the back of my mind. I know what it is, but my mind wants it blocked out. I get this every so often, it never gets any less annoying than before.

My ribs really hurt for some reason too. Got this tight feeling around my lungs and i can't get comfortable. I hate moments like this.

Yesterday was good, minus the party that was fun but at the same time awful. Sometimes i struggle not to get annoyed by people, you know it's not their fault but that makes no difference at the time. I just appreciated the time with close friends. I dont think i express sometimes how much i love seeing certain people. It felt good.

Im pretty sure malls are the place to be during a zombie outbreak. This guys a fucking idiot though.

Ford.

So Blade Runner, Its pretty good. For an old film the vision of the future is amazing. The visuals portrayed in the film are somewhat in a strange way realistic. Im particuarly drawn to the neon light umbrellas which don't actually look farfetched at all. Im pretty sure i could make one.

BUT

When it comes to the films story and symbolism etc, all i can say is


WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHE FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK IS THIS ABOUT?!

N 84.

Ive been painting today. I should of been yesterday but as usual i had problems with putting a substantial amount of effort into anything. The only thing i can say ive worked hard had in the past two days in sitting on my sofa, and i sat on it (and in a rare case slept on it) the best i possibly could. Tonight i could actually see the painting making the room look better and fresher, so that gave me a bit of drive to complete it. Also because im tired of sleeping in various places of my house.

Its my brothers....19th? birthday this thursday. He's pretty boring. I think we might be having a big table of food or something, which is good. I like food a lot.

It's roughly 24 hours down now. I miss you a lot more than you know. I wish i'd shown you that before you left. I havn't stopped thinking about you, its hard to distract myself with anything other than you. I hope your having a good time. I love you and I miss you.

Ascent.

That hit me harder than it should of it. It didn't even need to be something substantial but its that same crushing sensation from within me. I hate having long in-depth conversations about thoughts and feelings. I don't usually, but i do when they end in finding things out that you wish you hadn't heard. I feel inadequate and small. What's different between me and the next...how long and when and where. Its funny how time works and the effect it has on people. I wish i was in another country somewhere quiet and alone and peaceful.

My cousin gave birth to a boy today. He has nice eyes.

Textual Problems.

Work has really tired me out. Im very appreciative of the money i will be making and how good that is, but im honestly so tired and my body hurts. I am weak.

Trying to work out what to do with myself this summer. I think i need to do/start something that will be useful for myself. I guess i should probably read up on art for next year. I wish i could remember more back from year nine and previous.

Im worried about going to southampton tomorrow. I need to work out some ways to ensure Caitlin doesn't see any of the things ive got her as a present.

Dr. Faustus.

Illuminator.

Sorry again for not posting up in awhile. At least this time i have the excuse of my laptop being dead, well the charger at least. Managed to commandeer the family laptop for now so i will use it.

I think my parents are just possibly really moody and stressed because of work and coming towards the summer. I hope thats it anyway. They've been giving me lectures on pretty much everything ive done for the past few days, its so fucking annoying. To be fair, right now i don't give a shit about college. I think my lessons are awful, i don't enjoy it and its not where i want to be. Besides seeing friends, the only other reason i went in was to see Caitlin and now shes left i would much rather take the days off to see her. I just want the summer so badly at the minute. Then i get the day off tomorrow and they are getting angry because apparently having fun and enjoying myself on a day off is too much to ask for and i should use it to study. Im sure you've all had those times when you just really want to turn around and say ' hey hey hey.....FUCK OFF WITH THIS'. IF you can name me one person who would WANT to stay home on a DAY OFF (a day not required to be at college) or go into college to study and then i will do the same. what the fuck...seriously.

Through that negeative sounding point though, the whole situation on my side is lovely right now. Ive been going out and enjoying myself and just doing nice things. I spent the weekend at Caitlins and it was the nicest ive had in a long time. Really want to see some friends though...I miss Joey & Luke a lot, feels like i havn't seen them in too long. Again, i would like the summer now please.

So yeah, life is good right now. I think my parents just need to let me have it that way because telling my otherwise is just going to push me further away from what they seem to want at the moment. Love Love Love.

Don't re-write it.

It don't matter.

Havn't written up in a long time. Should probably note about my half-term a week ago. Family went away to cornwall for a little break away, ive already told you this bit but im writing it out again for my own purpose. As usual i wanted to stay at home because im pretty bored of cornwall really, well the same old places everytime at least. So i got Joey, Luke, Adam & Rob to come and stay out the week with me, to have a good time and keep me company. Honest to god it was once of the nicest weeks of my life. I can't say that i seem them that often outside of college all that much, especially Joey and Luke, so to be given the chance to spend some time with them was really good. I love all of their company, without them the week just would not have been at all. I got far too drunk, ate too much, enjoyed myself (what could be even too much) and just generally urgghghgh had an amazing week. I did feel the effects however, and still to this day seem to be recovering from a week of possibly the smallest amount of sleep ive had - To the dissapointment of my girlfriend of whom i have been continually falling asleep around.

My exams are all done now which is a lovely feeling. Media ended them on a positive note, the exam was actually a really nice one. I wont say it was easy, not until i get my results, but i felt like i had a good idea what i was writing about and the questions were relevant to things we had been recently looking at in lessons. I hardly went in this week. After the exams and that, i think i deserved at least one week of rest and a break. Felt pretty good. Im back in on what looks like full time table from monday though, not so good.

Work is going good, i know where food goes now. I feel like a true waitrose employee now. Hooraaaaaaaaay.

Something bigs happened and im not sure how to react to it. I have conflicting thoughts at the moment. Honestly, its like something clicked in my head and changed the way i think and im so unsure of why. Things don't feel right, im kind of worried about it.

Im cold, tired and hungry.

Characters.

Exam didn't go quite as badly as i had expected. I probably didn't do 'amazingly' well and out-do my own expectations but i feel like i did alot better then i would. Questions that came up were pretty nice, specific...so easier to find quotes for and to focus on certain points. Its just media now and ive got a week to revise for it, a halfterm week, the one week to relax, that im supposed to revise, that im alone at my house for. Yeah im pretty sure you get the point there.

I have the next week sort of well planned, or at least i have a general idea of whats going on each day. Of course i now have to be told of the one fuck up. The one that seems to be coming up quite a lot on me recently. Kieran. Destroyer of happiness. Every fucking time. Hes decided to come home for friday to monday, of which is over one the first day people are staying and then two the night back from the balti. Im going to try and get him out for sunday. Fuck me, seriously. Does he have no life? WTF.

The Da Vinci Code is pretty good.

I wish i had something a little more interesting to say on here. Im starting to notice how similar my posts sound.

Sorry Temporarily Unavailible.

Im pretty much going to haver to go ahead and accept the concequences on my laziness on the day of collecting results for AS. It's taken me up until two days before exams to realise that ive got to put effort and work in to achieve good grades. I know, reading that it sounds obvious right. Thats exactly why i feel like such a fucking idiot. Ive just tried to get through this year doing as little as possible and now im going to see the effects first hand. Il admit that i havn't got into anything at college this year, like i cant say ive particuarly enjoyed any of my subjects alot or even that much at all. I spose its not always about enjoying it so much but instead about just getting them done so that i have something to use for furthering myself.

Ive been very slow this year. Too slow. Fuck.

Oui Oui Oui!

Sorry, i sort of avoided this thing over the past week or so, i was kind of busy last week with finishing off all my graphics and digital film work and ive been seeing people and working the evenings from them too. Thank fuck i can now finally say that both of those lessons are finished for AS. The night before it all went in was, ironically, the hardest i have ever worked for either subject. I sat until around three in the morning finishing off little bits of work, writing to fill up gaps or sticking images down for annotations. Friday it all went in. Ive signed, handed over and completed both and it feels amazing. I still have two other exams coming up though so i need to quickly get over my 'phew relax' period and get back into revising for them. Priority is english right now.

I had my first full week at Waitrose last week. It was alot different to the veg shop, i now realise just how lucky i was there really. Sure the money was shit and it wasn't particuarly exciting but i could get away with so much and did so little, its hit me pretty hard just how much you have to work in the 'better' jobs. It was alright though. Im slowly getting into the practise of where to go and what to do, luckily i have alot of people offering their help to me most of the time which is really useful and nice.

Ive spent so much time of Left4Dead. Seriously, my life has been taken over by trying to survive the zombie apocalypse. I GOTTA LIVE THROUGH IT. I played it today on co-op with Caitlin. It was pretty hilarious. I enjoyed it....alot.

Yeahboy. Life is still pretty sexy.

Domkolsch.

This weekend has been one of best ive ever experienced.

France and Germany were both absolutely amazing. Seeing the few different places, people, trying the foods and drink, just generally feeling something completely different and new. It was really weird just because its a whole new atmosphere. Everyone is walking around, usually semi-drunk at the least and very very friendly. My aunt and uncle are so nice for taking me, i appreciate it so much. Having Caitlin there just made it all the better too. She has single handedly made me the happiest i have felt in months, across 3 days? I can't think of a better way to have spent the days leading up to my 17th. I will have the image of sitting on the stairs in front of the Dom Cathedral with Caitlin in my mind for years and years to come.

My actual birthday has also been really nice this year. I have these rare moments where i suddenly realise what amazing things and people i have in my life, and how lucky i am. Today has been one of those days. Im so glad i have the friends and family i do. Although 17 may not be a particuarly 'landmark' age, this will definitly not be one i forget.

God i sound so sad. I really am just feeling extremely happy, life is good.

Ft.

It's not even 24 hours now and i will be on my way to france via the shuttle. Im really looking forward to spending the time with Caitlin. Due to both of our extreme parents we have never spend that much time together really and im looking forward to this opportunity. Ive wanted to go back to france/germany for awhile now as well, so this is going to be the first birthday ive actually really looked forward to in years. Im pretty sure i have everything ready, i havnt over-packed, if anything ive under-packed. Ive got enough to last me the few days. Im hoping to get a few things whilst im there, i got given some extra money today so they may be easier to afford now.

Im done with digital film now. Had my final exam this morning until one and everything is now stuck into my book. It feels so good knowing i don't really have to do anything else with it again. Only downside is the lack of vicki in my timetable. I know a lot of my class hate her but i think she's my favourite teacher at college. She always seems to be really nice to me and i get on pretty well with her so im going to miss having her as a teacher.

Well final blog until im back, so i love you all and will speak to you soon. DONT WORRY GUYS ITS NOT LONG TILL HALFTERM, THEN YOU WILL LIVE WITH ME YES?

Aux 1.

I need to get on with all this graphics/digital film book work. I have avoided far too many opportunities to just sit down and get on so far this week, and time is really starting to catch up on me. Im getting quite worried. I know if i just get on with it then i could probably finish it off in not all that long at all but its just getting myself to that point. I MUST DO IT. MUST DO IT BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.

Guess what.


ONLY A FEW DAYS UNTIL FRANCE/GERMANY W/CAITLIN. BOOYA. BOOOOOOOOOOOYA. I CANT WAIT NOW, I HAVE AN EXCITEMENT ERECTION.

Readymade.

This is going to be a complete change in my style of blog recently, so be prepared for a little bit of a shock.

At current moment, this could change at any point, i am in an absolutely fucking amazing mood. I can't even understand why, well i can but w/e. Its like...right now im in exams alot, ive got alot of work to do and i should be stressing the fuck out...but im not. First i feel good about my work, i should probably kick up a bit but i really like what im doing right now and im feeling silently confident about it, which is nice. My whole 'hey man i have no self-confidence' thing is going pretty well. I am starting to realise that if i put my mind to it i can achieve things, and its sometimes just about really getting over my stupid little back-of-the-mind worries. Everything with Waitrose is going sweet. My outfit actually looks pretty good and not gay at all, and the benefits/pay/everything is really making me look forward to starting. I think the past week or so have just been really nice and yeah ive enjoyed it.

Ive got quite alot of digital film i should do tonight, in preperation for the exam tomorrow. Im going to do as much as possible but then again i can finish stuff off tomorrow in the exam as i don't have much else to do really.

LIFE IS GOOD. PLEASE STAY THIS WAY GOOD LIFE...I LIKE YOU ALOT. YOU ARE LOVELY.

Self-Help.

There are few things that make me really aggravated, and today i experienced one of those. A decision has never been so hard to make and i know it probably was the best one, it was the single most fucking annoying one too. Obviously, as you will have guessed from my previous blog ramblings, i have probably once again blown some little detail out of proportion in my head but either way arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh.

Next saturday is my final weekend at the veg shop. I dont know how to feel about that. I hate to say it but i will actually miss working there. I have quite a funny time there and i do get alot of pretty good stories to tell but its time to move on into something a little more structured and professional (and better paid).

I wish i could open up completely to someone but i can't.

Please Do Not Bend.

My interview went pretty well as far as i could tell. I am pretty surprised in that i actually really enjoyed it. I was pretty nervous when i first got in there but once i had started to relax the activities were alright. I managed to make so much bullshit up that, if i may say so, i think sounded amazing. I wont go into it right now but one example is i managed to relate how i am like a dead octopus...yeah boy. Im staying pretty hopeful about the results, will hear within the week apparently. All of the perks sound pretty sweet too, theres some kind of Waitrose social club, like getting into nightclubs free (minus me being a baby of 16 still) and all this other money off and whatever.


Im feeling okay about most things right now. I really need to get over a couple of things going on in my head at the moment. It pains me how stupid i can be at times but ive built things up in my head that are so fucking hard to undo. Just need to keep on buildin' that confidence. yeeeeeeeeeeeeah.

LOVEYOULOVEYOULOVEYOU

"DERES GLOWSHTEEEEEEEEEK IN MY EYES, OHGAWWWWWWWWWD"

poor rob. i love you..........and your eyes regardless of their condition.

wut.

Why is drinking so shit? I mean i like getting drunk, its pretty good, but it makes my head hurt like fuck the day after. There is now a perfect josh groove in my bed where i actually have not moved from this current spot at all today. Throwing up helped but i still feel like partial death. I didn't realise i had really annoyed my parents. I honestly had no idea, although expected home at 12, i apparently casually strolled in just after 2 and acted as if that was fine. To be fair i actually didn't know what time it was but yeah i had to explain that in a way that wasn't 'Sorry guys i was completely shitfaced'. I got that usual drugs chat again too.

So yeah, party last night was funny. It was weird but i enjoyed myself.

Kanye West is a pretty cool guy. I wish i was black and was cool, that would be awesome.

V&A.

I forgot that i hadn't posted back since my last aggressive post featuring alot of my brother. Yeah most of that post was pretty unnecessary but sometimes him being around all the time seriously does get to me, especially when it happens to be in my holidays. So yeah, he's still here, he still sucks and im still having to just get on with it. Life is cruel.

This easter has and hasn't felt like a holiday. It has because ive hardly done anything (including work/revision) and ive gained about a years worth of energy through sleeping most of the time. It hasn't because of my lack of seeing people. Ive seen my girlfriend like twice now, which it may sound sad but it does get to me. I would really like to see her alot more, i feel like i don't enough compared to other people. I guess im glad ive seen her at all though. Plus i havn't seen many other friends either, which i was really hoping i would of. Theres still time left i guess? (Yeah that was a hint guys...a hint).

Its wet today.

arbleharbleharbleharbleh

WTF

My brother needs to get the fuck out of my room and fuck off back to uni because unlike him i have an actual life here to attend to. If my parents kick off at this opinion then they can fuck off there as well because they need to understand I DONT LIKE BEING IN A ROOM WITH MY OWN BROTHER WITH EITHER MY GIRLFRIEND OR JUST FRIENDS, WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO DO ANYTHING IF THEIR OWN BROTHER IS JUST AWKWARDLY SAT THERE.

WHAT THE HONEST FUCK?


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Tenderoni.

I got my bike today in the end. My old one managed to rustle up £35 which sounds incredibly poor but it was incredibly shit, so i guess that evens out. The new one is pretty sexy. Its not quite as old as i was hoping for but my dad had a good argument, since he was paying for it and would of rather i got something newer that would last and keep me safe and all that 'I love you son, don't die on me' shit. But yeah, its old looking enough, and its got a sweet old man pannier rack. So i can carry bags old guy style...or tie a dog up to it in a horribly insensitive way. So yeah im happy with that. Just need to learn to ride on the roads with the big boys (and giant metal cars capable of killing me instantly)......wooo.

My media is due in tomorrow, so unlike my old post im going to cut this off to go and eat and then do it. Sorry but my love for you guys (although like a truck) is going to have to be shuffled aside for the sake of my future to complete my work.

PEACE OUT BRO'S

Convenience

Its 3:51. I had promised myself by now that i would of started most of my work...and had it done. Sundays never go as planned anyway though, and hey at least im starting to work now. I forgot about the Clock change too, so it didn't help when i realised i was actually a further hour behind on everything. Im just about to start up a media report. Its got to be between 1200-1600 words, so its going to be fun. Im pretty sure i know what to write though so thats alright.

Havn't done very much drawing past few days but i havn't been at home for some so i have an excuse, or ive been with someone. If i can get enough work done before it gets to late tonight il do a couple of bits and pieces, or even inbetween things if i can. Fuck my chubby un-skilled hands. I will teach them to draw, il literally fuck it into them if i have too. (Blatant excuse to wank).

Although i did sound very dissapointed in the last un-happy post about missing out on that job, i suppose for effect i forgot to mention that they did link me to another job posted because they wanted me to apply. So i have an interview set for.........the 15th of april (dots represent me walking off to find out when my interview was suckers). The jobs for the fresh foods section as well, so having experience in the fruit and veg shack should be helpful for once.

Ive still got things on my mind but i think i know what i need to do. I just really really really don't want to have to. I think i can justify my reasoning though. God im so fucking cryptic.

Hope you enjoyed my 'slightly longer than normal' post.

Subliminary.

I feel like im stuck in a really weird place. Im not sure what it is thats annoying me most at the moment, but i know that i wish i could just remove my problems. I hate the fact that im so harsh on myself for little things that probably wont be a big deal. I guess i just blow everything out of proportion...fuck my head around that little bit more. Im pretty weird with this sort of thing to be honest. I don't wont to talk about anything either, to anyone. Not because i dont trust anyone or anything like that, just because i dont feel like it.

Is this really all worth it?

Hurm.

I finally got the new sketchpaper moleskine. Can't wait to start filling this little guy up with shitty drawings.... aye? aye? aye?



oh, and i didn't get that job i was talking about wanting so badly. yeah, sucks right?

Sometimes

I fucking suck.



(whinewhinewhinewhine)






I want to beat the shit out of Optimus Prime right now, just so i can be all 'fucking yes, robot 0 - man 1'

I would apoligize afterwards obv.

Hand

I just got in from an interview at John Lewis, which il admit was pretty scary. I was feeling pretty confident right up until i was waiting outside, in which all the nerves hit me like the fucking moon. The actual interview went really well though, and now i just have to wait through the week long process of picking which applicant will get the job. It sounds like il have alot to do...much more pressure than the veg shop, where i can pretty much do absolutely nothing and still bring home the cash. Fingers crossed.

Happy Birthday adam, you sexy thing you.

The weather is nice. I like the weather mmm.

DRAWING IS GAY/

Fucking.

Im not really sure what im getting from college anymore. Its kind of worrying me that recently I havn't really got any idea of what im actually planning on doing with my A levels and the fact i dont feel like ive made the right decisions so far. I need to go and talk about all the choices i have after leaving college because im not so sure that uni is my best choice, or even just that its not my preferred choice. Shit sucks. Its not so much that i don't like college, i mean i really enjoy it at times and i can get pretty into it. But just like i see some people who are really submerged in their subjects and seem to get alot out of doing it. I don't have that. I just feel like im drifting through, not keeping up, looking bad, just generally not doing so well as of the current moment.

I want to actually act my age about it all though, but i feel like turning round and just saying 'Fuck this, everything is boring, i dont enjoy it and i dont know what to do' all sounds pretty immature. I mean i can hardly ask to be given more self-responsibility if i can't hold up work. urg.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

On a happier note, I am also feeling pretty good about most other things. I tried to pursuade my mum to run someone over earlier, i didn't like them. Plan did not work.

sexysexysexysexysexysexysexysexysexysexysexysexysexysexysexysexysexysexy

With love,

I feel ill. Im usually the last person to get ill, never really get colds or sick. Ive got something this time round though. My throat feels like its been run over by a truck and my head just feels big and furry. Im loaded up on various medicines though, so hopefully one of them will do something, either that or they will all combine and at least just numb me so i can't feel as much. Just hoping it dies out and doesn't get any worse, I can deal with what ive got right now.

Im currently shifting through my media coursework. I think if i just get into the right mindset and sit and get on, i could have this done to a good standard this week. I mean i just finished off a critical analysis of a front cover design for this magazine and, although ive probably missed out a few things, i think its alright especially considering we havn't touched on analysis work for awhile now. Il get my media teacher to check it for me, and i can touch it up after that if i need to. (I will need to). Ive got to look at the magazines website now, and analyse it. Take some 'screen dumps' of it. Work is fun.

I feel abit closer to people now. I want to spend more time with you. I wish certain things were easier.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckingfuck

ABAAB

I have found a current obsession for Joao Ruas, I only came across him whilst browsing some random things at college but ive already spend a good three or four hours just looking through the things he has drawn up. I just found out he also now draws covers for the comic series 'Fables' which is going to give me another excuse to travel to southampton again soon. I wish i could steal all his talent, I would happily eat his brain despite how horrible it may look/be just to have his abilities.


I got some pictures today, of some random graffiti that rob led me too. For something in portsmouth i was surprised. I know i look down on this city in general but i have been impressed by some of the stuff down there. I may post up some pictures from it if i get round to it. Im planning on using a few for my media magazine designs. Ive found one that i think i have a perfect idea for. Il try it out tomorrow.


I feel okay today. Personal-wise things are pretty good right now. I just really wish i could work harder.

Li-ion

I have alot of work to do. Its all piled up from the past few weeks and now i have to try and make my way through it all. Some of it could be avoided, just because the teachers never ask for anything and, although making it sound like a big deal when they hand it out, don't really regard the homeworks they set as being worth collected. So i might just put those ones off for as long as possible. Im working through all the graphics i have to do at the moment. I actually want this done so that i can focus on the project we are doing at the minute, instead of also catching up on old stuff. Got to try and keep focused. Its apparently very hard.

College is alright. Its got kind of boring right now.

I found aload of water colour paints downstairs, which i have safely moved into my room. They look pretty good, and theres alot of them too. I also found a few brushes, all perfect as they are actual proper sizes, meaning i can finally rid myself of my baby brushes (massive fuck off thick things). I like water colours, even just as like a background or something. They add something to pictures, maybe not mine in particular, but some things ive come across on the internet.

(not mine but looks lovely)

Im back to that point of trying to work and push myself, its not quite as impressive as the last time. Worth another try though...

Clearer.

So i think its fair to say i have failed this blog recently. Ive been meaning to finally getting around to updating it but itss been put off on many occasions. Still havn't done it now, and until i have this blog has now been renamed '00:42' after the current time of this blog post being written, until i come up with something better. I promise you it will be fixed up, just can't really say when right now.

Its been half term this week and its been alright. Still got a few days left to go yet and the days ive already had have been pretty nice. Ive seen friends, some i don't see as often anymore, so thats been good. Im heading into southampton tomorrow hopefully, for the second time this week. Although this time my main aim is work, since i havn't actually done any yet, even after promising myself i woudn't leave it all to last minute. Its another chance to spend time with friends though, which i like.

I cant remember what ive done since my last post so i will probably update if i remember anything important to put in here.

Im doing that stupid thing again. Thinking about stuff i don't want to or shoudn't need too. Worrying about things that i could fix if just stopped doing nothing about it. Why do i fail so much sometimes? Why can't i say what i really want to you? Why do i lack the ability to things? Why cant i find a better fucking job? FUCK.

IRGAY

LOL ROB STRIKES AGAIN

Trop Laser.

Just so you know, there may be a slight delay on posts for awhile. I think its about time i changed this blog up a bit, change the layout colours, design and whatever. So next time i post it should be all a new. Thought it would be fitting with other changes ive decided to make.

I think i coudn't of picked a better time to try and sort myself out this week, thanks to a few things ive realised alot about the way my mind works. I have to say that actual actions compared to their intentions are nothing and thats why you pissed me off beyond a level i thought i could reach. Im still a little bit confused about that all at the moment. I don't understand where this situation really places me, should i be able to do more, or is it good that im able to ignore it and push it back in my mind. I guess i will be finding out soon.

My work situation i was worried about has cleared up quite well now. I got an extension on my Digital film (however annoying that may be) which allowed me extra time to do the book work. Luckily i have no plans for this weekend really, so i shall use that to my advantage and get as much done as possible. Ive also started to actually think ahead for my other subjects, like planning and working on things if i know they are coming up, instead of leaving it as long as i can until it's due in. Just need to make sure i keep this going, I don't want to fall back into a repeat of this anytime soon.

I hate hairdressers.

(idontknowwhattodo)

Photonica.

I feel completely lost in my own head and have done for a majority of the past few days. Today i just can't help but go over everything again and again.

I want to make something of myself, i want to learn, to discover new things and to improve myself as a person. I want to go to college everyday feeling good and just do the work, enjoy it & grow further. So why is it that i can't?

I make all these 'agreements' in my mind, where i say to myself 'okay sure, just you know, get on with everything' and then i ruin it the same way everytime i go back in college. I made the worst decision earlier when my parents decided to have another talk with me. It seems that they are just worried about everything i do or say recently and they kept saying that i needed to talk and open up. I told them i wasn't enjoying college at the moment. This led to a long discussion of everything i was doing wrong.

I want to sort myself out, but i feel like i shoudn't have to.

Besides this current conundrum, everything is awesome. Just to ensure you don't think of me as some depressing hate child.

Devoid.

Obviously ive given some sort of impression to certain people recently, which i don't totally agree on to be honest. Ive had my parents question me on everything these past few days. It feels like they're trying to trap me or something, its really starting to annoy me. I can understand that they worry about me and want to see me achieve and whatever but sometimes i feel like they really really need to just back off. They get all angry when im pissed off and moody, and yet they feel its fine to push me to this point of aggravation, with full knowledge that they are doing it as i tell them everytime they do it. They are not helping me right now. Fuck sake.

I guess its just hard to stick with things for me. I havn't kept up with any of my resolutions for this year. Not even one. I really want to but it just is so hard sometimes to bring myself round to just thinking 'Right i could do this now'. Its just lazyness, a lazyness i wish i could rid myself of.

For some reason ive also had this ridiculous thing about esteem recently. I constantly feel like there are eyes on me or something, and so im always aware of how i look and feel. Its really really weird.

Went into town today, was pretty good. Joey never ceases to make me laugh. I didn't get anything in the end, besides many temptations. So i should have some money for other things now.

Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative. Be Creative.


Also, I think its probably best to note that this is my blogs 100th post. So...

Happy 100th post blog, hope your all good.

Grenouille.

The 'Recently Updated Blogs' board is getting pretty quiet. Mine included.

Considering it's only tuesday, it feels like its already been quite a full week. I guess its just because everyone has something going on right now and there seems to be alot of emotions flying around at the moment. I had moments today of just sitting and looking around. Just taking in everyones situation and trying to put something to what they were doing and how they were interacting. It only lasted a minute or so, but it was odd just when you suddenly realise just how much is going on around you. Its so easy to get lost in your own thoughts and forget about everything else sometimes.

I think i ran myself out catching up on the graphics the past week. When i try and sit down to work now i feel like i can't, at all. Its probably just nothing but i need to get out of it or im going to fall behind again and after the whole situation with graphics its not what i want to do. Just need to sit down, concentrate and then push on with something. Right now its Digital Film...still havn't even recorded yet. Urgh.

Everybody Daylight makes me want to sleep.

For some really sad reason, i just want to get to tomorrow already.

LOL

HI ITS ROB POSTING FROM JOSH'S COMPUTER.

SHHHHH, HE'LL NEVER KNOW. :) :)

Moderation.

This blog has become a tool to procrastination, a brilliant one at that.

It's not even particuarly late yet but i have fueled myself up on good old cafetiere black coffee and, due to not having had any coffee for awhile now, it is taking full effect. The immediate headrush has expired and i am now left just feeling slightly more aware & awake. This is all for graphics, which i have slowly fallen more and more behind over the past month or so. I know i should keep up but it is just alot easier to push work away and do other things. Plus alongside my other subjects i end up having quite alot of work to do and graphics is the more complicated choice over the others, so it tends to be the one i choose to put off for the longest. Im determined to do as much as possible tonight though, as my teacher is expecting to mark my folder this week and in its current state i would be lucky for him to even give me a grade for it at all. Fucking college.

Friday until today (my weekend), has been pretty fun this week. Besides having to miss out on a few parties it has been pretty good. I spent friday night with Caitlin, who manages to amaze me more each time i get to spend more time with her. I know it sounds stupid and cliche but it just gives me a chance to find more out about her, and the more i find out the more i like her. (also she's fit). So friday was pretty sweet. Then i had work on saturday as usual. It was interesting this week for reasons i feel are best left un-noted. HILARIOUS FUN. And then today i went to visit my grandad. It was the best visit ive had up to see him so far. Thanks to his condition he can't recall who we are really, i mean he recognises us but it doesn't go beyond that, he doesn't fully understand who we are as much anymore. So i was happy today when he turned around and started talking to me, using my name. The first name he has recalled since being in the home. It was possibly one of the nicest things that could of happened today.

I like this, i like you, i like everything.

Diving Bell.

So ive come to the conclusion that one of the first things i should 'sort' out this year, is working on my confidence. Ive realised that there are a few things in which if i could just be a little more confident about myself then i could easily be happier and move forward, or not even so much that but it would make me worry about things less. Ive always found my own confidence funny because in most situations i can almost see myself lowering in a third person, and i know exactly what i should do differently but i just continue to avoid it. So this is something im going to focus on over-coming first, as i have a feeling it will do me some good in more ways than one.

Ive surrounded myself in music alot more recently. I have once again found a love for bands that i had thought lost. Some of it im kind of embarressed by, but theres something almost nostalgic about listening to it again. Last Fm has been helping me find some new stuff to listen to as well, except im having the same problem of only liking a few songs it sends out.

I have mixed feelings about being back at college. On one side i have this really big part of me that wants to expand myself and learn and develop and do well. But im just so lazy...all of the time. I always feel like i can't bring myself to do things. It will change though, ive promised myself that. I really don't want to fall behind on my own expectations. Id really like to achieve something.



I will tell you as many times as i need too, regardless of you believing it or not.

Colleckshun.

Well, Happy new year 2009. This year really has just flown past so fast, first time ive noticed just how fast time goes. Im quite sad to see this year leave if im honest too, its just that 2008 has been an amazing year, or at least towards the last few months it has. Since college started life has been on a more than often uphill path. Ive made some amazing new friends, had some amazing times and just everything is feeling really good.

I didn't bring the new year around in a very sound way this year. In fact if the start of a new year means anything to how the rest of the year is going to roll out then i should probably be crying right now. I started off at a party with a couple of good friends and, although the party itself may not have been AMAZING, i was enjoying being with people and seeing old friends again. Later on though i really really wanted to see my girlfriend and so was going to meet her near to where she was. This just happened to be quite a way off from where i was. So making my way to see her awful timing occured and my parents happened to drive past and see me, they called me up and questioned if it was me and being the drunken idiot that i was, i told them 'no that must of been someone else, im still at the party'. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. Looking back at that part after talking to them, if i had just been honest they woudn't have minded but thanks to my lie they decided to investigate and drove back around and caught up with me. I was then taken into the car and driven home. At that point being really drunk, dissapointing my family, lying & anything else attached were just the least of my worries. I really wanted to see Caitlin and all chance of that had been killed. It was pretty annoying. All in all though, the night was hilarious. I have a tendency to make stupid decisions when im drunk recently and even i am starting to see a funny side in it. I shoudn't.

Im determined this year, as you do, to change a few things around and hopefully sort out parts of myself that could do with reshaping or reorganising. I don't have one particular resolution so i will just point my few things.

• I need exercise, lots & lots of exercise. I need to find a gym thats affordable to use and start going there weekly. I woudn't mind giving skateboarding another push too, its pretty good fun and it would be another source of exercise.
• Quit from the veg shop into another, more reliable job. Hopefully also better paid. Got to just finish touching up my CV and start handing around and ringing places. Being more confident.
• Confidence in general too. Stop pussy footing around everything and not being able to say accurately how i feel. Learn to say no once in awhile.
• Keep going with the art related stuff, especially the drawing. I just need to keep it frequent, i keep taking breaks from it for too long and 'forgetting' what ive learnt works and what doesn't.
• DSLR - I bought it to take photos so i shall take it around with me to places and try out some super cool photography stuff. Im not bothered about being too fancy, id just like to be able to take a good photo. It'll help for graphics as well.
• Work harder at college, especially with time handling/management. Ive got too into the way of just pushing things further and further back and then having to rush them close to a deadline. I need to be more organized about all of my work.

Theres probably more but that seems like enough listing of my flaws. So that right there is my list of changes to make and i will do my best to carry them out. Not all at once obviously, that would be asking too much of myself, but slowly im going to try and work through them.

Anyway, if you read my blog then your one of my close friends, and so just know i really do appreciate all the times ive had with you each individualy over this past year. Some i know better than others but regardless, you all mean alot to me in your own ways. So thank you for everything.

Im so happy with most aspects of my life at the moment.